Continuing our conversation about pornography….
If you find that someone you’re in a relationship with is using or abusing pornography:
1.    Set boundaries: You want to work with them, and you need to decide what you can do to help while staying emotionally safe. You decide what you want that relationship to be. Once you set boundaries a lot of times it helps you move in a positive direction toward trust and toward forgiveness. For him too, it helps him to understand how to become trustworthy.
2.    Any addiction is selfish, and a person turns inward. Being able to confess and be vulnerable enough to talk to you about it is really shameful and scary. Think of him as a real person, and not as an addict. If he wants you to be part of his problem, then he has to give complete disclosure. (QUOTE FROM MARK BUTLER)
3.    Making some particular promises to each other. Small commitments that you each can fulfill day by day, and in small increments, you can gain and regain trust and learn to keep commitments and even more serious promises.
4.    12 step recovery programs really work! Group therapy is really good and helps the addicts feel safe and not judged, which helps them gain motivation. They have support groups for women and children related to porn users. THERE IS ONE AT BYU AND ANOTHER ONE AT THANKSGIVING POINT.
TRUST – WHAT IS IT
Social Scientists: Trust includes honesty and true benevolence
When you want to be trusted, you want to generally be honest and kind toward others…. You both feel that the other person will generally be honest and kind
Reasons trust is betrayed: Honesty is on the line, because they kept so many things from you… you feel betrayal. It’s not kind. It’s not kind to women in general either.
Everyone’s addiction is different. You can’t have pre-disposed ideas about the reasons for this person’s addiction.
Things that many women think about when they have to face the information that they now received or know about:
1.    they think about things that made them happy
2.    things that still make them happy
3.    Things that they want from their partner
4.    Ways to communicate those things
Women almost always begin to blame themselves for the situation.
What women can do for men that want to make changes in their life:
1.    Inspire hope and faith
2.    Sustain morale
3.    Sustain resolve
Some things women have done:
a.    take stock of all their qualities–be honest about what the good and bad things are about the relationship and the person. These kinds of reflections can help inspire morale and hope in you and for you and for your partner. They “want to be open and honest”… that’s a good reason to stay and stick with them.
b.    Where do JUSTICE LOVE AND MERCY meet? This is a very important part of setting boundaries. Who can they become, how can I be truly fair/just/impose accountability on this person.
Talking about things in a very open way, and in kind and loving way is something you can build in your relationship over time.
Forgiveness is not forgetting. Forgiveness is about letting go of the hurt inside your heart. (AND IN YOUR BODY – there can be serious heath repercussions in your body like bleeding ulcers when you hold grudges.)
Spiritual Ways
FORGIVENESS PROCESS (SEPARATE FROM SPIRITUAL REPAIR)
-Face the Pain (Rather than Avoiding it)
- Understand the other person’s perspective (put yourself in their shoes)-Recognize their repair attempts
- Take as long as you need… forgiveness IS a process. ASK FOR HELP IF YOU NEED IT.
WHAT DOES A STABLE HAPPY HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP LOOK LIKE???!?!
Dwell on the positive, not the negative, keep the positive in perspective to avoid inbalance.
Mutual Respect and Mutual Support=a positive relationship!   Willingness to be open, acknowledgment of feelings…
YAY FOR ERIN! Knowledge is power, share it. …buzzaahhhh!