People do take it really seriously and personally because you are confronting their whole thought process…
You can talk about how you feel, and not what they’re doing wrong, because you’re in defense instead of offense.

A few things that you can do:

This is like a counseling experience (impart knowledge to someone who is less than willing to receive that knowledge – and be a catalyst for change)

-   It’s not about you, it’s about the other person
-   Convey a sense of empathy even if you disagree with their point of view.
-   Communicate 1^st that you empathise or are trying to see from their point of view.. that you understand what they are thinking
-   Remember that this doesn’t have to be a super-charged emotional confrontation… we’re not staging a battle…we’re trying to impart knowledge.
-   You need to make sure they feel like they are understood and you are interested in what they are saying… it CANNOT be a lecture… it automatically shuts them down.

Reflective listening techniques:

1. Repeat back what they say: rephrase what they say. “so you’re saying…”

2. “so how does that make you feel…”

3. Keep calm

4. Start out with key phrases that are neutral : “I’m wondering why…” and “Can I ask you a question”

5. Seem passive and not condescending.

Sometimes our initial defensive reaction brings people to put up a wall, how do you neutralize?
Apologize, share how you feel

Body Language: Keep yourself open, and have an even voice… volume level normal

Basic Guidelines for Giving Feedback

McGill and Beatty (in “Action learning: A practitioner’s guide”, London: Kogan Page, 1994, p. 159-163) provide useful suggestions about giving effective feedback:

1. Clarity — Be clear about what you want to say.

2. Emphasize the positive — This isn’t being collusive in the person’s dilemma.

3. Be specific — Avoid general comments and clarify pronouns such as “it,” “that,” etc.

4. Focus on behavior rather than the person.

5. Refer to behavior that can be changed.

6. Be descriptive rather than evaluative.

7. Own the feedback — Use ‘I’ statements.

8. Generalizations — Notice “all,” “never,” “always,” etc., and ask to get more specificity — often these words are arbitrary limits on behavior.

9. Be very careful with advice — People rarely struggle with an issue because of the lack of some specific piece of information; often, the best help is helping the person to come to a better understanding of their issue, how it developed, and how they can identify actions to address the issue more effectively.

The chances of you changing someone’s mind in one interaction: slim to none… harboring those experiences.. multiple people effecting change through a number of positive interactions.

If people are more reactionary, then the people that have offended you are going to be less receptive to what they have to say.

Once you have gotten the person riled up it is impossible to really get them to talk about something with you.

How can we balance our feelings: we started having a conversation and now I feel like starting a riot in the streets? Getting the satisfaction of yelling is not necessarily the right answer at the time. Getting up on the table is just about you.. it’s not about making change.

We want to yell, but can’t that passion and emotion be channeled into saying what is right in the right way, not about who is right, right now.

Time and a place:

When is it right to get up and shout?

Policy-making, You are confronting a larger group, parading around is for getting a general idea out there to a general audience

How can we teach our own children:

1. address outside influences within the home

2. bring it home by teaching by example

3. define terms like feminist by action and personal interaction

4. recognize that even if you teach your children something about feminism and women’s issues, they will make their own conclusions and decisions in the end.

Mutual Respect: Let’s respect one another

How do you bring up something that is offensive but not sound like you need them to be uber sensitive toward you….

1. Own your feelings, but realize that you can generalize about women because you are one! “That kind of remark would offend women”

2. Don’t care about it… let them be sensitive to you… they should be!

Feedback:

“If someone really shows they care about me, they could basically say anything to me and I would want to work with them.”